This is a bit of a random post, but I just feel really good about things at the moment and wanted to share with someone!
I think I've sort of reached a milestone; a stage of sorting through my sexuality where I'm pretty sure that I'm gay but rather than being angry about that have even stopped wishing that I wasn't! (For the moment, anyway) I used to feel so alone and confused and everything that comes with realising your sexuality, I suppose... but at the moment I feel so cleared of all that, and I'm looking forward to is a future where I can come out publicly, be happy with myself, have a girlfriend etc etc, whereas it used to be me wishing for a future where I was straight.
Yesterday I was walking back from the shops with a friend from school, and we got talking about 'girl crushes' - as in, not gay crushes- just like, things that straight girls have generally for older girls, just looking up to them and wanting to be them, I suppose (nothing sexual) (do you know what i mean?) and she mentioned the "girl crush" that I have on a girl at our school. (thats in quotation marks because its actually a gay crush- a really bad one actually) Anyway, I was so close to coming out to her, and I just realised how much more comfortable I am about things compared to about a year and half ago when I came out for the first time to a friend and cried and felt awful and ashamed and dirty for months. Just the idea of even THINKING of casually saying it in conversation was a break through! I didn't end up telling her, just because right now is a time I don't really want it to get out, just because I don't think my parents reaction will be particularly positive or supportive and school will not be great either- but its just that I even thought of it, I suppose.
And another thing, about the really bad crush I have. Its bad in the sense that I am so utterly completely overly terribly head over heels in love with this girl that its ridiculous. Its even more ridiculous when I consider that she has a boyfriend and is one of the most popular and well known girls at my school. She is a good friend of mine, but doesn't know I'm gay- I would actually die (Exaggeration. Clearly.) if she ever found out how I feel about her.
Anyway, I've decided that I really need to fall out of love with her and move on.. so if anyone has any suggestions on how I could possibly do that I would greatly appreciate them! Not that I think 'I've just liked her for too long, time to move on' by the way- just that its never ever going to happen, as painful as it is to admit that- and I know that we could be better friends if I didn't go out of my way to impress her and if I didn't go bright red and stumble over my words every time she touches me. So yeah, any advice on either a) how to fall OUT of love or b) how to get someone to fall in love with you (lol!) or c) just on what to do in a situation like that would be appreciated.
Anyway, this post will probably be rendered useless tomorrow evening when I revert back to disliking myself and my feelings for girls; but I just wanted to capture the moment