finally happy with myself?

Hi everyone,
This is a bit of a random post, but I just feel really good about things at the moment and wanted to share with someone!
I think I've sort of reached a milestone; a stage of sorting through my sexuality where I'm pretty sure that I'm gay but rather than being angry about that have even stopped wishing that I wasn't! (For the moment, anyway) I used to feel so alone and confused and everything that comes with realising your sexuality, I suppose... but at the moment I feel so cleared of all that, and I'm looking forward to is a future where I can come out publicly, be happy with myself, have a girlfriend etc etc, whereas it used to be me wishing for a future where I was straight.

Yesterday I was walking back from the shops with a friend from school, and we got talking about 'girl crushes' - as in, not gay crushes- just like, things that straight girls have generally for older girls, just looking up to them and wanting to be them, I suppose (nothing sexual) (do you know what i mean?) and she mentioned the "girl crush" that I have on a girl at our school. (thats in quotation marks because its actually a gay crush- a really bad one actually) Anyway, I was so close to coming out to her, and I just realised how much more comfortable I am about things compared to about a year and half ago when I came out for the first time to a friend and cried and felt awful and ashamed and dirty for months. Just the idea of even THINKING of casually saying it in conversation was a break through! I didn't end up telling her, just because right now is a time I don't really want it to get out, just because I don't think my parents reaction will be particularly positive or supportive and school will not be great either- but its just that I even thought of it, I suppose.

And another thing, about the really bad crush I have. Its bad in the sense that I am so utterly completely overly terribly head over heels in love with this girl that its ridiculous. Its even more ridiculous when I consider that she has a boyfriend and is one of the most popular and well known girls at my school. She is a good friend of mine, but doesn't know I'm gay- I would actually die (Exaggeration. Clearly.) if she ever found out how I feel about her.

Anyway, I've decided that I really need to fall out of love with her and move on.. so if anyone has any suggestions on how I could possibly do that I would greatly appreciate them! Not that I think 'I've just liked her for too long, time to move on' by the way- just that its never ever going to happen, as painful as it is to admit that- and I know that we could be better friends if I didn't go out of my way to impress her and if I didn't go bright red and stumble over my words every time she touches me. So yeah, any advice on either a) how to fall OUT of love or b) how to get someone to fall in love with you (lol!) or c) just on what to do in a situation like that would be appreciated.

Anyway, this post will probably be rendered useless tomorrow evening when I revert back to disliking myself and my feelings for girls; but I just wanted to capture the moment

Cheers,
fence

Oh, this is fantastic !  You're so happy about it all!  I'm really really super glad that you've found good ground on your sexuality.  This IS a milestone!  It was for me!

About coming out: perhaps popping it on your friend that you're gay is not the best idea.  I'd say it's good that you didn't tell her (yet) in that way.  You should probe her with questions!  Bring up the topic of HOMOSEXUALITY and let her rant about her views.  Ask her what she thinks about lesbians.  What she thinks about same-sex adoption... I don't know, something with a more conversational vibe perhaps?  And when you think (HOPEFULLY) that she's "safe" to come out to, then, er, go ahead...providing you're still comfortable about it!

Hahaha!  Oooooooooooh, don't you love crushes/love!   I find that crushes are like chocolate.  Have it too frequently and it becomes nothing special, and you get bored of it.  As in, you do EVENTUALLY "get over it!"  In a year and a bit you'll be over the entire crush.  You may still think she's super hot and all that, and that you'd "tap that", but you won't feel so...obsessed by the crush, I suppose?  Does that make sense???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Hope so.  I don't think there's a miracle cure for love or crushes.

Hope, ummm...that some of that was worth your reading time!

CHRIS!

Thanks, well worth my reading time

Thanks for the advice also, I suppose it wouldn't have been great to just put it out there randomly. I think that she's pretty safe but yeah, always good to check I suppose. Some people seem okay with it and then they are really not at all.

Perhaps I ought to have mentioned that the crush is already roughly two and a half years old? Lol! I've been thinking it will just go away for quite a long time now and it just hasn't...I really am obsessed by the crush, as you put it (which is such a perfect phrase to describe how I feel at the moment, well done!) This girl is actually amazing though... hmm I should really not get into that or else I will end up writing paragraphs about her. Ha.

wow, this sounds exactly like me about one year ago. And my crush had lasted about as long, if not longer (I think it was probably 3 years). My advice is obviously going to be based around what came from my personal experience, but hopefully you can take something from it anyway

"And another thing, about the really bad crush I have. Its bad in the sense that I am so utterly completely overly terribly head over heels in love with this girl that its ridiculous. Its even more ridiculous when I consider that she has a boyfriend and is one of the most popular and well known girls at my school. She is a good friend of mine, but doesn't know I'm gay- I would actually die (Exaggeration. Clearly.) if she ever found out how I feel about her. "

So this part is basically where I was maybe like.. a year or so, but early on I decided to do the gutsy thing and tell her about it. Surprisingly she took it fine and didn't seem to act any different (to my knowledge anyway). But soon after that- and up until our friendship was prettymuch ruined to the point of no return-  it was almost impossible for me to go on as 'just friends'. I think the key is to realise that as long as you like her, and want something more from the relationship than what you have at the moment, you will almost always be dissapointed with her response. Like I said at the start, this is all based on what happened with me, but unless you have a really good reason to believe that there's a RATIONAL chance that something might happen someday, you're setting yourself up to get hurt no matter what.

Which brings me to the next point, being rational about the situation. Obviously with all the butterflies and whatnot that come with a crush, it's fair enough that you see her in such a perfect light. But it's scary looking back on when this was happening to me, because my vision was completely distorted at the time and you don't really see what's going on until the crush is well and truly gone (which may take a fair while, as you already know). If there's one thing I wish I did while I had that crush, it would be looking at the situation from a detached point of view and basing my decisions on that instead of my irrational lovestruck delusions. It's amazingly hard, but it's probably the best way of starting to move on. Look at the circumstances as if it were two people you didn't know, and think about what would be the best thing for that person to do. By far the most important thing is to try and separate your head from your heart, then you'll be able to start moving on; even if it does take a few months or a year.

Phew. Methinks it's time for some sleep, but I hope that helped

Hi! It's fantastic that you are so happy with yourself right now! It's really important to stay positive.

I'm in exactly the same position as you - there's a girl who I have liked for almost a year, who is absolutely beautiful, intelligent, popular... and straight. It drives me mad! I don't think there's much you can do, but it might be a good idea to see a little less of your friend. Don't abandon her or anything, just take up a new hobby and make new friends. Maybe you'll meet someone else! I know it's hard, but not thinking about her as much should also help, or at least only thinking of her as a friend. If she isn't interested, she isn't interested, so the sooner you move on, the better, especially if she's straight.

Well, I don't know if that was helpful or not, but good luck anyway!

I dunno about you but I find crushes really annoying - in that they just seem to sap so much energy out of me. It doesn't help that I am a serial long-term crush junkie. In high school I liked this particular girl from the moment I met her in year seven, right the way through to year 12, and it's only after school when we parted ways and I basically never saw her again that I got over it!!
   My current crush has been going strong since 2001. I don't want to get over it. She's beautiful.

fence mate you've done the hardest part, coming out to yourself and then finding a space where you can be ok with who you are. For me that came with the realisation that being a lesbian doesn't make me very different from anyone else, not really. I mean, yes of course it makes me different from the straight population, but there's nothing I can't do as a gay woman that I could if I were straight, right? Annoyingly though, as soon as you start telling people that you're gay, they tend to view your sex life as fair game - the first question will be, so do you have a girlfriend? and on and on it goes ... Remember that it's your choice whom you tell, and when, and how much information you give out.

You go girl!

I too am a long-term crush junkie, nice to know there's someone else out there as well 

I don't find it really annoying, well sometimes I suppose it is- ie, if we are in the same room then I just can't concentrate on anything or anyone else and tend to ignore those directly around me who then get annoyed at me for being so vague and distracted from what they're saying! Them of course having no idea who or what is distracting me...

Its hard to see less of her at the moment as we are just involved in so many things together, like co-curricular activities at school... and also I guess I'm not really making much of an effort to distance myself from her because I just like her too damn much. My head is telling me to get over it but my heart seems to get in the way! She leaves school at the end of this year though, so maybe when I stop seeing her regularly it will end 

Hi Fence!  I think MusicIsLife said pretty much what I'm about to say, but with camper punctuation:

You can't will yourself to not like someone.  You may as well try and force yourself not to be gay.  Even if you can't tell other people, you should at least be honest with yourself: admit, to yourself, that you have a crush on this girl - and instead of feeling ashamed and defeated by this, try and embrace it.  Crushes can be fun, if you don't take them too seriously.  Everyone is different I know, and just because this works for me, doesn't mean it will be helpful for you - but look at it like this.  The only thing that will make the crush go away is time.  According to you, this girl is not going to get with you.  So while you're sitting around, waiting for someone else to fall in love with and break this spell over you, do you really want to be feeling embarrassed, ashamed and sad?  It's ok to have a crush on her.  I mean, I wouldn't suggest stroking her face in her sleep or building a little shrine to her or anything.  But see it for what it is: something painful, yes, but something that is also exhilarating. 

Remember that nothing you're feeling is wrong or abnormal: but it is uniquely yours, and you can be proud of that.

Eeeep, I sound like my therapist!  Love yourself Fence.  Love your inner fence.  Heh.  Inner fence.  Like a little white picket thing around your heart...

Ahem.  Good luck deary.  Remember to vent often.  I knew this woman who landed herself in a mental ward, because she kept things pent up for so long, and then one morning she woke up with no memory.  Remember who you are, Simba.