concerned mum

hi,
I was on the computer the other night and read something that my 12 year old son had written on MSN to a male friend.
It was very explicit, and I was quite shocked.  I talked to him, very calmly, and he told me he thinks he is gay.  I was taken aback - but tried to do the right thing.  Told him that I loved him, and would love him whatever.  Asked him why he thought he was gay - he told me that it was just a gut feeling.  We spoke for quite a while.  He told me he thinks about this other boy quite a bit (he is a year older, and apparently has "come out" to his father that he is gay).
we talked about masterbation (he admits he is doing it).
He has had a girlfriend (I use that term loosely, I am sure that nothing was going on) but he tells me he "dumped her" last week.
My questions are this:  1.  is he too young to know he is gay?
2. is this "normal" that boys can feel attracted to other boys at this age?
3. he is not very physically mature as yet (no hair under arms, pubic hair etc) and I wonder if this is just a hormonal surge?
4. when did some of you know you were gay?


I meant what I said, that I would support and love him whatever, and if he is, indeed, gay, then we will support him and love him.  But, I am sure that you would agree, it will be a tough road for him, even with our full support.

We talked a lot - I am not convinced that he is gay - I think that he is very unsure at the moment.  Or am I being dishonest with myself? 

Please, any advice, will be gratefully received.

thanks.

Hi,

[Qnet usually doen't allow people over 25 to post here, but given the circumstances and tryingtounderstand's honest questions, I'm inclined to allow it. Any other moderators on here agree? I'm hoping you'll approve]

Firstly, thank you for your post. It sounds like there's been a lot for you both to deal with all of a sudden, and I think you've handled it admirably. Quick note about MSN: my concern (if I was a parent) would be who is your son writing to? Just check it's not a random internet person, for safety reasons (clearly).

There are a lot of helpful web sites around about staying safe online, and books (possibly leaflets at the library to, I'd imagine) and I'd recommend that you both study up and talk about internet safety as well as sexuality. You've said it's a friend so I'll assume that he's an actual, real life pal that your son keeps in contact with via the internet; just remind him to be careful.

As for your questions:

a) I wouldn't be suprised about masterbation at 12 years.

b) is he too young to know his sexuality? I honestly can't say. I've been attracted to guys since, literally, four. But it took me a while to figure it out (nearly 17 years after that). All I can say is that sexuality can be fluid, and certainly I have moved backwards and forwards along the Kinsey scale in recent years.

To me, it sounds genuine that your son expresses it as a "gut feeling". Having said that, 12 is waaaaaay to young to be thinking about having sex, whether hetero' or homo' activites. I think that's where you should be most concerned.

c) Is it normal? Yep. Well,  I guess it depends on your personal definition of normal. I view my queeriness (LOL) as normal to me, but not conventional. Certainly we're not in the majority.

d) hormonal surge? I'm not a doctor, but from what I've read, increases in testosterone don't change 'sexuality', they just sort of 'boost' those existing feelings, or amplify them. For instance, you can't 'change' gays or lesbians by horomonal shots; I would assume the same applies to straight people. Having said that, puberty is a very confusing time. If I had a son, I would tell him it was alright to have these feelings, but not to act on them until he's more mature.

e) and when did I know I was gay? 21. At 21 I knew. At four I felt it and didn't know what it was called. I repressed it in early teens. And yes, at about your son's age (maybe slightly younger) I had a crush on a guy at school.

Finally, you've said some lovely, and loving things. It's great that you're showing this interest and concern, and that you've gone to the effort of finding these resources. Your son is questioning his identity; he might discover later in his teens that he is in fact gay, straight, or somewhere in between, but the obvious constant is that you love him and the two of you can talk openly

To me, that's reassuring.

Keep safe,

John

hello and thanks.

firstly, I am sorry for posting here - I was unaware of it being restricted to people under 25.  I understand if this has to be removed.

thank you for your honesty and openess.  I appreciate it.

The person he is talking to, is indeed a friend - we have known the family for 5 years. 

And yes, we will be talking about sex and the appropriateness.  I just do not want to scare him off from talking to me - at least while he is open about it, I can ensure that nothing bad is happening.

If anyone knows of any counselling or such like that I could go to, I really think that I need some.  My husband (his father) does not know - my son has asked me not to say anything.  I do not want to break his confidence - but my god, its hard to not be able to talk with him about it.

Any other advice or help will be gratefully received.

Welcome 'tryingtounderstand' to Qnet

I welcome parents and friends to post here, especially in this board, Parents, teachers and supporters.

I don't think I could do much better at replying than Hapgood already has. I just want to commend you for your openess and concern for your son that you would come here seeking advice.

Yes, I think it is 'normal' for a young person to realise that they are gay at 12 - some people realise earlier, some later. It's also possible that he later realises he is heterosexual or bisexual. Probably the best way to support him is to let him know he has your support, whatever his sexuality.

Are you in Canberra? Perhaps you might like to talk to the excellent counsellor at the AIDS Action Council, Stephanie Buckle. There is no cost for this service, call 6257 2855 for an appointment.

David

hello and thanks again
no, we are in Brisbane.  Do you know of any counselling in Brisbane?

PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) Brisbane should be able to help you get in touch with services.

Their website is at http://www.pflagbrisbane.org.au/default.php, or phone 07 3017 1739.

David

I have read with interest what Concerned Mum has had to say about her son.  My son is 16 and has only just come out I found out through a very good friend of mine - but besides that I had always suspected that he was gay and so I guess his coming out just confirmed my gut feelings so to speak. 

We had a chat about it all and I even confessed that I had always harboured the idea that he would be gay - he was most surprised.  But at the end of the day I told him that he was still my son and that I loved him and that that would never change and that I would support him.  As far as sex goes I kind of want to know but don't which I think is an understandable reaction - but by the same token I did say that I was concerned about his health and that he had to be very careful and always use protection.  We also talked about the road ahead of him - that it will not be an easy one for him to travel as there are still a lot of people out there who are not tolerant of gay people, but that he must always remain true to himself.

He got onto Bit Bent through someone he knew at school and I have got to say that that experience alone has been just wonderful for him, it was after his coming out - or me finding out - that he told me that the "Youth Group" at Belconnen that he had been going to was for gay people.  I must say that I felt relief to know that he was mixing with people like him and not trying to be a square peg in a round hole trying to fit into something that didn't suit - that he was finally being accepted for who he is.

I guess the bottom line for it all is that your son does need to know that you support him and love him and when he is ready it may even come down to you having to tell his father - I had to with my son and surprisingly enough his father wasn't all that surprised - I think he knew too in his heart of hearts that his son was gay.

It is nice to know also that there is a support network out there for us poor old parents who might have trouble dealing with gay children at times - just answering questions can put ones mind at ease, I also think our ride is just beginning and there will be good times and bad for all of us - but I think at the end of the day our special children will give so much love and come through it all with a lot of compassion for those who don't understand what being gay really means.  My wish is that your son lives a rich and happy life.  Could I add to this too that my son had to deal with a lot of flack at school about his sexuality and that it has taken him about 6 years to come to terms with it all and there was a lot of hurt involved emotionally for him - I never knew about how bad it really had been for him until he came out.

I would just like to add to all this a thank you too to Bit Bent for what you have given to my son.

wow.

can I just add that's a very special post from Understanding Mum?

I've had a stink day today - really thrown off by some parental upset - and it cheered me up somewhat to read what you've written. Uncanny timing.

I'm glad things are going reassuringly well for your son - Bit Bent is a good place.

Best,
Haps

Hi Haps,

I am sorry that you had a bad day the other day - but I guess it is important to remember that us as parents have to try to get our heads around the fact that our sons/daughters are gay - and with that we can react badly at times - it is more out of worry than anything.  I know also that you have to travel that hard road and are the ones that end up with gibes and the smart remarks that so called normal people like to make because they don't know how to deal with gay people and see them as very different to themselves and are possibly scared by the unknown.  What they tend to forget is that gay people also have feelings and get hurt just like them.

I've been told by quite a few people that I have done and said all the right things to my son - I just hope that I can continue to support him by saying and doing the right things.  I guess too that the old saying goes "we always hurt the ones we love the most."

Hang in there - and try to come up with a positive for any negative that comes your way - and always smile - even though it might hurt like hell.

All this is coming from a mum who is just that - a mum who loves her son and has compassion for others and is trying to understand the other side of life if I may call it that.

Thank you You - and Mr. Wilde! - are right about people accidentally hurting our own nearest and dearest. Which I guess works both ways: I think it's reasonable to assume that most queer youth find parents the hardest to come out to of all, because it might hurt them. Friends you chose, and if they don't like you after you come out, they weren't really friends in the place (luckily mine were all fine). But family? Family is family.

Hmmm.

Hi Hapgood,

Just keep hanging in there - there is an old saying - you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends, you were lucky to have the support of your friends when you came out - I think really family just have to get used to the idea of it all - hurtful at times tho it may be - but as I mentioned before keep smiling - it is you that you have to be true to no one else and if you are happy that is the most important thing.

I would like to say a thank you to Bit Bent for the BBQ that they hosted last weekend - I really enjoyed it and it was nice to meet some of the people who participated, just being able to put faces to names helps us oldies at times, and I must say that the people I met were very nice and truly lived up to my expectations of what I had thought the afternoon would be like.  It was a very nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon.  Thank you once again Bit Bent from my family and friends who came along to enjoy the afternoon and offer support also.

This is a severely late reply and a little off topic. On the subject of fliers relating to homosexuality, I don't think we have ANY in the library system. And if we do, they aren't available without asking for them - which could make people uncomfortable. I'm going to make an effort to try and talk with my manager at work and see about getting some awareness/help fliers for youths in the library.

That's a good point you raise, Danny. There's plenty of material around, stuff like the obvious Bit Bent and Qnet fliers, but there's also the books "Yes, I Am" and "In Our Own Write" put out by the AIDS Action Council. The former was particularly useful to me when I came out a year ago.

I really agree with you on not wanting to have to make people ask for them. I guess you have to strike that difficult balance between the stuff being easy to find for people who want it, but discreet enough that it's not obvious to a casual observer that they're in the "gay section".

Best of luck with it Danny, it's important stuff.

God ive just learnt that my 23 yr old son is Bi and im trying to deal wth it all.He puts on bloody FB to come out and all hell brks loose.His sister refuses to accept it and now has tld me cause i support him i will never see or tlk to my grandchildren again.On top of that i have images in my head i dnt want and to b honest hav no1 where to turn 4 help.So plz some1 give me a path to follow.

God ive just learnt that my 23 yr old son is Bi and im trying to deal wth it all.He puts on bloody FB to come out and all hell brks loose.His sister refuses to accept it and now has tld me cause i support him i will never see or tlk to my grandchildren again.On top of that i have images in my head i dnt want and to b honest hav no1 where to turn 4 help.So plz some1 give me a path to follow.

hey

I think you should convince the sister to accept him. Tell her "how would you feel if your brother didnt accept you for being bi/gay/lesbian" That might change her mind. You need to sit your son down and have a long nice talk.

I hope it helps.