I guess I have a problem with my self esteem. I know that's hard for some of you who know me to imagine but it's true for a few reasons. Firstly, I don't find myself attractive. In other words, I won't date myself even if I was the last person alive on the earth. Secondly, I've got an asian background and there are not many boys around that like asians. I myself don't like asians if you get what i'm saying.
And on approaching people I like... it links to the way i view myself. Why would anyone (or the person I like) feel the same way about me if even I don't think I'm attractive. so why bother if i already know that the answer is no?
Wow. That's a load of crock - I mean that in a nice way!!!
I'm going to have to disagree with you. Look, I'm gay, but I count myself as bi because I would - and have - dated girls for the sheer appeal of their personality.
And the thing about 'not many guys liking Asians', hmmm, yeah I'm familiar with the thought. But it's a... not exactly sterotype, but sterotypical thinking. I hate how that 'option' used to appear on Gaydar etc. What I loathe even more is the guys explicitly 'looking for Asians'. Shudder. I even had a friend's straight boyfriend say he 'only dated Asians' (such as her) because they were 'demure'. Grrr. We came close to fists over that (and he's an army reserve and I'm, well, me. I've been beaten unconscious before).
Anyway, I may be adding to controversy but I really see that as rascism. Especially when it's impacted on your self esteem - kinda shows how it at least has the same negative and personally destructive effects of rascism, even if it's a variation thereof.
Where it does count with me - and here is where I'm being controversial - is when you get Asian guys (or girls... mostly straight in my experience) who can't speak the language, but want to basically move in with someone they've barely met. The guys who literally say "I love you" in very poor english, and are looking for someone (anyone!) to support them.
I'm not, I hope, making generalisations - I've personally had trouble twice with this; one was a girl on campus at UC, who really bothered me, and one guy was a guy who asked me out months ago and then got very very angry when I turned him down ("But I love you, I think we have connection" etc etc) when we'd honestly had no contact whatsoever (literally he'd seen my picture on a dating site and PMed me there with a compliment; I had replied with a one-off, polite, non-commital "thank you, have a lovely day!" response).
Even worse are the men (usually older or a bit pathetic, like my army reserve enemy, who flatly said he only dated Asian's because he needed 'tending') who hunt them out; I really think it's a form of predatory behaviour. You know, the sugar daddy thing, with an added racial underscoring.
So, I think that sort of behaviour - on both sides of the racial equation - sort of lead to this sterotype where a lot of regular guys aren't into Asian guys. It's really got little to do with looks or anything, it's a sort of trying to distance oneself from the less savoury behaviour of creeps looking for 'asian boys'. It's a Russian Bride sort of insinuation, this scary instant commital thing of a mutually needy relationship founded on perpetuating (erroneous) dominant power relations.
So, if somebody asked me "are you into Asians" - same as if they asked about "bears" or "daddies" or whatever - I'd say "no" and glare at them. But would I date an Asian guy? Sure. Same as I'm not into bears, but I had a boyfriend who (to people who think in such sterotypes) would have certainly fitted the category.
Basically, to offer myself as an example, I'm a geek (non athletic, kinda nerdy). But I'd avoid anyone who had a sexual obsession for geeks, or was only looking for geeks. Because I'm so much more. And frankly, I'm aggressive and not into somebody who's fixated on having a 'weaker' partner, as some way to soothe and salve the invisble inadequacies of a bruised ego.
To give another example - and to explain in a big way ho race has nothing to do with why I wouldn't pursue a relationship with any of the "love you" Asian guys - about three years ago I met an amazingly attractive and intelligent man, who was at ANU too. He was visually perfect, in my eyes. I'd look at him and imagine him in bed with me. We went out about three times, but nothing hapened: it fizzled and it had to. Why?
Sebastien didn't speak English, I don't speak French, so even though I knew how incredible he was, we couldn't have a connection. I could read his emails, but that was all.
It was a weird situation. We were of the same mind on that count, too, which made it weirder - how very difficult to know the person in front of you is fantastic, everything you want, but be unable to access any of the brilliance there (plus, it really made me personally assess whether my attraction to intelligence was in it's own way superficial i.e. if I had slept with him, just because I was aware he was smart, even though the smarts would have counted for nothing except a silly sense of standing, of snobbery, of our superiority. Very tricky)
Anyway, aside from that I disapprove of the instant love/support dynamics of the "arranged relationship on a percieved racial axis", my reason for not "liking" Asian guys like that has nothing to do with looks, but because of a lack of communication (espcially as I'm a very verbal person). I can't imagine being close with anyone I can't express myself with, and to. And the common misconception about race puts my back up even more - I'd want everybody to know that my hypothetical Asian-background boyfriend was my complete equal (as with anyone), and that there was jack-shit to do with "race" in the basis of our attraction. Including, I should add, his feelings for me.
Whew. Hope this makes sense and people read the argument through. If it's inappropriate or inadvertently offensive to people, I'll delete it pronto.
Basically, An, I strongly don't think you should view your own background as counting against you in the physical attraction stakes, or (conversely) to see predominantly white phenotypes as having an inherent advantage in 'looks'.
PS On the matters of looks, and of race, my two favourite crushes on Heroes
are Ando Masahashi and Peter Petrelli. Mostly, in physical terms at least, because of how cocky they both look. It's an attitude in their appearance that attracts me.
["Great alliteration there, John boy!" "Why thank you")