Many things shape who you are. Intellect, emotions, appearance, culture, religion, what you do, how you play and, of course, your relationships with other people, both sexual and non-sexual, are all factors that make up who you are, how you see yourself and how others see you. Your sexual identity is only one part of who you are as a person. Coming out is about recognising your sexual identity and deciding on how this fits with all the other parts that make up who you are.
The way you see yourself, as an individual or as part of a group, is important in developing and maintaining a positive self-esteem. In a world that does not always understand diverse sexual identities, it can lead to low self-esteem when some people have difficulties in integrating a gay sexual identity. Your sexual identity and how you feel about it can be a very important part of how you feel about yourself. It can determine the type of people you choose to mix with and strongly influence the way you present yourself to and interact with the world.
Just because you are attracted to other guys doesn’t mean you have to fit a type or act a specific way. There is no one way of being gay or bisexual, just as there is no one way to be male or female. The gay and lesbian community is extremely diverse and each one of us has our own identity made up of individual life stories, hopes and beliefs that shape us.
”I see the community as a smorgasbord of activities . I pick things I want to do and leave things on the table for other to enjoy. I don‘t like everything on offer.”
Sally, 20
When discovering your sexual identity it is okay to play with different identities to find out what is comfortable for yourself. You can be cute disco bunny one day, to leatherman the next, to drag queen, to straight-acting guy, to muscleman. Playing around with how you present yourself to the world is often about using a stereotype and subverting it - making it work for your own fun and advantage. For example, to most gay guys the leatherman code signifies a healthy interest in S&M, whilst it may actually be a simple fashion statement. For a lot of us this exploration of our identity coincides with our finding out our sexual likes and dislikes.
Some guys aren’t interested in gay life or a gay sexual identity at all, at least not for themselves, and coming out is simply about whom they choose to have sex with and/or form loving relationships with. Other life experiences, like growing up in a rural area or in a specific culture, are much more important in shaping how they present themselves and whom they choose to associate with. For others still, even though they might enjoy sex with guys, they wouldn’t see themselves as gay or bisexual, and to all intents and purposes are heterosexual, living straight lives.
”I don’t seem to fit into any stereotypes, but that is okay. If people don’t approve of me not fitting in, it is their problem. And if people think I am not gay because I don’t fit a stereotype, well I guess I’ll have to start a new stereotype all for myself.”
Leah, 18
Once you start to see the diversity represented in the gay and lesbian community, it becomes clear how narrow the stereotypes presented about us in various media are. Your sexual identity might end up being a major aspect of how you see yourself in the world, or it might not. However you choose to play it, the great thing is that you do have choices, and you determine what changes to your lifestyle and identity coming out as gay or bi will bring.
Quotes used are from “You are not Alone” a resource produced by the Western Australian AIDS Council.