It is as natural to be attracted to the same sex as it is to be attracted to the opposite sex, or both sexes. No one knows what causes sexual identity, but like being right or left handed, being gay, lesbian, straight or bisexual (or what ever label you feel comfortable in using) is neither right nor wrong - it simply is.
Coming to terms with your sexual identity may take a long time. For some people it can be a lonely and painful experience, especially in a world where it often seems that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual, and for others the discovery can be one of joy and excitement.
"Coming out" is the process of discovering your own sexual identity, integrating this into how you see yourself, and then choosing to tell other people. Who you are is shaped by many factors including: race, religion, gender, physical ability, appearance, family, intellect, profession, friendships, temperament, personality, nationality, self image and your sexuality identity. For some people, sexual identity is a central part of who they are; for others, it is just a small part of who they are, and how they want to be seen.
Coming out to those who are important to you allows you to do many things:
- You can be honest with friends and/or family and not have to hide a part of yourself
- Friends/family have a greater opportunity to know you as a complete person
- You can affirm your own identity
- You can give people an opportunity to support you and talk to you about things that are important or relevant to you
- And most important, you may actually feel good about yourself
This process for you may be a relatively easy one or it might be associated with feelings of fear, and possible rejection and hostility from the people you tell.
The following questions might be useful to answer before you come out to someone:
How much do you know about being gay, lesbian or bisexual?
Often the first thing that happens when you come out to someone is that you are bombarded with questions, questions you may not be able or ready to answer. It is a good idea to read up on the subject, and get a solid knowledge of the issues involved. You may feel more confident if you do.
What kind of support do you have?
Is this the first person you are coming out to? Do you have someone else you can talk to if you do get a bad reaction? If you are dependent on the person you are coming out to, for example if you live with your parents, you may need back up support, even a safe place to stay if they react badly. Some young gay men and lesbians have been thrown out of the family home for coming out.
You might find going to a social/support group a useful opportunity to meet other guys and share coming out stories - see coming out workshops and queer youth groups. Sometimes seeing a counsellor is also a good source of support.
Why do you want to come out?
This is probably the most important question to ask yourself. If the answer is "Because I’m proud of who I am" or "I want this person to know more about me so we can have a better relationship”, then these are very good reasons. If you're doing it to get back at someone, or you want to shock or hurt someone, think very carefully. Often the person who will get hurt will be you.
You should avoid coming out to someone while you are in the middle of an argument. It’s also a good idea not to come out to family/friends around special occasions, such as birthdays, weddings, funerals or Christmas - people are too preoccupied with other things to listen responsively and calmly to such a declaration.
Are you the patient type?
Some people will need time to process what you are telling them. Just as it may have taken you a while to feel comfortable with your sexual identity, others may need time too.
Some Points to Consider:
- Once you've told someone about your sexual identity, you can’t control whom that person tells. Are you ready for other people to know?
- Some people find that writing letters is an appropriate way of coming out to family/friends. This can allow you to take your time to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the other person a space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you.
- Timing can be critical. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you and the other person have time to discuss the issue in depth if need be.
- Knowing people’s general attitudes about homosexuality can give you an idea about how they’ll react to you coming out. However, even the most open-minded people can be shocked or react badly when it is someone they care about. Alternately, people you think may be close-minded or homophobic can surprise you with their support.
- If you feel sure about coming out, don’t let others put you off.
- Coming out should be your decision. No one should ever force you to come out. Sometimes coming out can create a whole new set of problems - make sure you are comfortable and ready to deal with these. If you don’t want to come out to someone, you don’t have to. The decision is yours!